Between shooting weddings from my clients and attending the ceremonies of family and friends, I’ve probably been to a couple hundred weddings. No lie. Add to that the fact that I just got married recently and I think that pretty much makes me an expert on all things weddings. Ok, not true, but through these experiences, trust me, I’ve seen it all: From black-tie blowouts in a posh downtown hotel to more relaxed, multi-cultural, beach-side destination celebrations, I am well versed in wedding Do’s and Don’ts. Regardless of the venue, the theme of the event, or your relationship to the bride and groom, there are some rules and etiquette tips I think everyone should follow when attending a wedding. Now that wedding season is in full swing, I’d like to share a few.
RSVP ASAP
I didn’t really understand how big of a deal this was until I hosted my own wedding and realised how many people don’t do this! (My sincerest apologies to all the brides and grooms from years past to whom I didn’t RSVP to on time). It’s more than just a courtesy to let the couple know you’ll be in attendance. They really do need a headcount to give to their vendors to determine how many meals, how much alcohol and how much seating is necessary. Once you know for sure you’ll be in attendance, send in that RSVP. The couple will typically provide a self-addressed stamped response card for you. All you need to do is fill it out (don’t forget your name!) and send it back to the address provided. Does it get any easier than that?! The couple has enough on their plate with last minute wedding planning to have to track you down and find out if you’re coming or not.
Use the Website
Don’t bombard the bride and groom (or their families) with questions that you can probably find the answer to on their website. These days, most couples will have one and it can be a great resource for information, not only about the wedding itself, but where to stay, shuttle schedules, gift registries and things to do around town. A wedding website URL can typically be found on the Save the Date card or is enclosed in the formal invite.
Mind the Guest List
Due to budget or venue constraints, couples are often limited on how many people they can host at their wedding and reception so don’t assume you are entitled to a plus one. This is especially true of children. Sometimes couples just don’t want to have kids at their wedding, for one reason or another, and it’s your job as an invitee to respect that. Generally, spouses are invited along with you, but your boyfriend or girlfriend may not be. You can most easily figure out whether or not you get a plus one by looking at the invite. It will typically say your name and either the name of your plus one (if they know that person) or ‘and guest’ on the envelope. If an entire family is invited, it will probably say ‘and family’ or list the names of the family members. When in doubt, just ask. Don’t assume.
Use the Registry
These days, couples can register for just about anything: From traditional pots and pans, to honeymoon funds, and even making monetary gifts to the couple to put toward a down payment on a house. Knowing that, it is best to stick to the things the couple has registered for. While a cookie sheet or new bath towels may seem boring, they probably need these things while they are building a home together and these gifts will be used and cherished by them for years to come. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t get them some fun gifts as well. I’ve seen a few couples be gifted with Custom bobblehead dolls of themselves and they went down well. It’s a nice souvenir of the wedding!
What to do if there isn’t a registry or the items remaining are too expensive or not to your liking? I recommend gifting something consumable that the couple can enjoy together: A wine delivery subscription, a culinary class or a gift certificate to a nice restaurant in town. I actually once bought some Russian nesting dolls for my friend who was getting married, they were the perfect gift for her in my opinion! There are so many gift options available though. For example, gift cards to Target, Pottery Barn or Crate & Barrell are also safe bets as well. And if possible, ship the gift to the couple either before or after the event. That makes it easier on the couple, as well as their family and friends who are typically responsible for transporting gifts, on the day of. Those looking to get the happy couple something of value and high quality, but who are still looking to purchase something that fits within their budgets, may want to visit the Raise website in order to find discounts and coupons that can help them afford such items better.
Dress the Part
It’s expensive throwing a wedding. Between the venue, decorations, meal and entertainment, an average couple will spend thousands and thousands of dollars on their celebration and that meal you’re served? It probably cost them close to, if not more than, $100 a head. You wouldn’t wear just anything to a nice dinner would you? Weddings are the perfect excuse to get dressed up so leave the baseball hats, jeans and sports jerseys for another day. Show the couple your respect by dressing nicely. How nicely? Well that varies according to time of day, venue and location. A 6pm wedding at a chic loft will be different than a wedding at a beach or farm so use your best judgement and ask a family member or someone in the bridal party if you’re still in doubt.
Speaking of what not to wear….
Don’t Wear White
It’s an old rule, but its still a good one. This is the bride (and groom’s) day. Don’t try to upstage them by wearing the same color. It’s rude. And tacky. Just don’t.
Be On Time (But Not Too Early!)
One of my biggest pet peeves when I’m shooting a wedding is when people arrive late to the ceremony. Its disruptive to the other guests and especially to the bride and groom who are (ahem) trying to enjoy one of the most significant moments of their lives. On the other hand, it can also be annoying to have guests walk in on family or bridal party photos if they arrive too early, as many couples don’t wish to be seen until the ceremony starts. Aim to arrive about 30 minutes before the start of the ceremony to allow for traffic, parking and finding a seat. Many couples are also now hosting a small cocktail hour before the ceremony, so arriving on time will allow you to enjoy that. And, as if I need to say it, yes, you have to go to the ceremony. Don’t just show up for the party afterward.
Be Mindful of How Technology Effects the Wedding
A new trend in weddings is to have an unplugged wedding so guests can be fully present during all or part of the wedding day. I hate it when I’m working a wedding and I see guests spending all their time taking photos or videos and not enjoying the day, especially during the ceremony. The couple spent a lot of money to have a photographer and videographer there to capture the wedding, so be respectful and try your best not to get in the way of their shot. When the bride and groom turn to see you after just being announced as husband and wife, they want to see your smiling, crying, happy faces…not your smart phone or camera.
Enjoy the Party!
Dance! Drink! Eat cake! Try your best to catch the bouquet! Mingle with the other guests! This is a celebration, after all, so don’t forget to have a good time. Believe me when I tell you couples want to look back at their photos and memories and think fondly of you getting down to the Electric Slide right along with them.
…But Not Too Much
We’ve all seen that guy/girl (or been that guy/girl) who has enjoyed that open bar just a little too much. Keep in mind that yes, those pinot grigios are delicious and abundant, but you are in public, celebrating with someone you love. Don’t be the rowdy drunk who’s causing a scene during the couple’s big day. And if you bring your children, be sure to keep an eye on them as well. Nobody wants their kid to be the one to knock over the beautiful 4-tiered wedding cake, do they?
Well that about does it for my wedding etiquette rules. Do you have any that you would add to the list?
